Texas/Kentucky preview as a stereotypical LinkedIn post

A fake kid tells a fake father what's what in the game between the Longhorns and Wildcats.

If you're not on LinkedIn, you're lucky, or maybe you're missing out on dozens of people from industries irrelevant to your own who are just looking to "connect." There's no place worse for self-congratulatory bullshit than the home of the long diatribe post that ends with the one-word question that's really a statement: Agree? 

Most LinkedIn posts involve stories about fake children that serve to get a point about business across, or brag about a company culture because of how many bean bag chairs an office has and how the cushy chairs foster a communal workplace. There are also the people who claim to have applied to 985 different jobs in the last six months and despite their 35 years’ worth of experience, they haven't made it past the phone interview stage. There are the braggadocious CEO types who are the heads of ambiguous companies you’ve never heard of that lecture you about being a salaried employee when you could work for yourself disrupting a new industry: just click here to find out which. There are the folks who claim to get up at 3:35AM everyday, proceed to work 85 hours a week at their job even though it's just a role that hustles widgets, but even though "they don't post on here often" they want everyone to know they are taking more time for work/life balance and post a selfie of them taking their doodle on a walk.

Here are some more posts that you might find on your LinkedIn feed…

“I had AI do my Christmas Cards this year because I don’t like my friends and I wanted to pretend that the saved time would cause me to spend more time with my family, but really, I just sat at my desk and scrolled more. Where did you open up time in 2024?”

“What my great uncle's quadruple bypass surgery taught me about SaaS sales …”

“If you want my new E-Book entitled "101 Ways to Make Six Figure Passive Income by Converting Backyard Sheds into Tiny Homes" then put your email and credit card info here.”

“How my 20-month-old daughter helped me understand how the Longhorns would beat Kentucky this weekend.”

^Hmm, interested to read more about this one. Let’s scroll down…

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TEXAS/KENTUCKY GAME PREVIEW

This evening, I was eating dinner with my family and my 20-month old daughter could tell I was stressed out. 

Are you okay Dada?

What the f#ck? You talk? (redacted)

Yes baby, I'm okay. I'm just worried about how Texas is going to play Kentucky this weekend in Austin on Senior day. I hope they’re not looking ahead to the reunion matchup with Texas Agricultural and Mechanical.

Oh father. Just because an opposing Coach has the last name Stoops doesn't mean you need to be concerned. 

I smile and nod, I try to change the subject. Thank you, baby, I say. Now finish drinking your organic bone broth that's packed with pre and pro-biotics while we continue to enjoy this lovely device free dinner just the four of us. 

Daddy. She says. She's not going to give up. I smell a future salesperson like her mama! 

I try not to look into her blue eyes. 

You're worried that the Texas offense won't be able to cover the -20.5 point spread because you're doubting whether or not Quinn Ewers can effectively stand in the pocket and make throws downfield. Aren't you?

Silence. 

I am. 

The gameplan will look a lot like Vanderbilt, Daddy. At the V-word, my eyes glow with white hot fear, but she puts her hand that’s caked with mush on top of mine and my heartbeat lowers. Don't stress about Quinn's average depth of target. Coach Stephen Sarkisian will script the opening drives to get Quinn Ewers comfortable. You might see swing passes behind the LOS to athletes like Jaydon Blue in space. Once the Wildcats aren't playing so many defenders in the box, the shots will open up on the sideline fades and wheel routes to Matthew Golden and DeAndre Moore Jr IF* he's healthy, if he's not healthy then Ryan Wingo. They’ll get Ewers throwing on the move to Isaiah Bond. Oh daddy, it will be fine. 

But baby, Kentucky beat Ole Miss and only lost to Georgia by one. Georgia honey, Georgia.

PSH. She scoffs. Have you seen that statue-ass Brock Vandagriff play quarterback for Kentucky, Daddy? He might have Dane Key and Barion Brown at wide out, but how will they get open in enough time? What ball is safe with Jahdae Barron and Manny Muhammad at the corners. With so many third and longs, Kentucky will have to take chances and their qb, well he’ll be a sitting duck and Colin Simmons and Trey Moore are going to unload on him so hard that Ashley Judd will turn the game off in the second quarter to watch her old Rick Pitino documentary on VHS. I hope Nazr Mohammed highlights make her feel better about Saturday’s ass whippin’.

My mouth is wide open. 

So, do you believe now? She asks. 

I believe.

DAD - DO YOU BELIEVE QUINN EWERS WILL HIT A DEEP SHOT ON SENIOR DAY OR NOT YOU B*TCH! Her mother and older brother begin the slow clap, my 10.5-year-old labrador begins to howl as if he’s a pup again, the clap builds to a crescendo.

I BELIEVE!!!

Next thing I know we're all on top of the table, all of us, dancing to Johnny Cash’s rendition of Wabash Cannonball. It's a perfect dinner. 

Texas 34 Kentucky 9 

After flirting with College Station last fall, this game and this season, Mark Stoops is going to be #opentowork.

Agree?

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-ICYMI: Over on Inside Texas, I wrote an ode to Jahdae Barron. A special player and Longhorn who deserves the Thorpe Award.