Pastor Dabo Previews Texas vs Clemson in the CFP
A peek inside the visitor's locker room at DKR.
I was once a corny youth leader, so I am well-qualified to write a game preview in the form of a fake Dabo Swinney locker room speech to Clemson, as he’s the cheesy youth pastor of college football coaches. I just wish he had a fo-hawk haircut and a soul patch.
It’s Texas vs. Clemson at DKR, win or go home.
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Dabo walks into the visitor’s locker room at DKR. The Clemson Tigers are kneeled before him. His assistant is playing Stryper’s “To Hell With The Devil” on a speaker behind him. Dabo motions to cut the music.
“Boys, it says in Psalm 22:21: ‘Save me from the mouth of the lion; you have rescued me from the Horns of the wild oxen.’ Now, I don’t know about you, but that sure sounds to me like David knew about December 21, 2024, when God’s team—little old Clemson—would be making the trip to big, bad Austin to wrestle the Longhorns.
God always gives His greatest armies the toughest battles and we’ve been here before. Think David versus Goliath, my sweet Deshaun versus masseuses, Kirk Cameron vs. Hollywood producers, and our game today. Some folks call this place Sodom and Gomorrah, and I know why. This place has got temptation hanging off every tree. I better not see any of you looking up into the stands at those little Lone Star rodeo queens screaming for your numbers. Golly, guys, I know it was tempting to sneak out of your hotel rooms last night and head to “The Sixth Street,” but praise Mother Mary you didn’t. But, your eyes do look a little heavy, though—Mafah, Woods, Wesco. Oh Lord almighty, I sure hope you didn’t put your arms around any hot little blonde hair and blue eyes Texas honeys last night! If you did, God help us. Now, I’ve told y’all once and I’ll tell you again, if your right hand is causing you to sin, call me, I’ll have Trevor Lawrence come cut it off! I’d rather have a righteous team of one armed cripples than a bunch of two-handed backsliders. If you didn’t stumble, then your temperance shall be rewarded, just like Jesus in the wilderness! But also, if I find out that any of you so much as looked at a travel-sized Heineken in the mini-bar, I’m sending you packing for a new home—like the Apostle Paul did to Demas.
I don’t know about y’all, but all the glitz and glamour down here makes me sick! They like to talk about Lamborghinis and NIL deals, but in little old Clemson, South Carolina, we’re just talking about N-A-I-L. That’s right, boys—we don’t need to talk about craft mustard or Dr. Pepper or the next Manning offspring when we’ve been N-A-I-L-E-D to the old rugged cross with our Lord and Savior. Because of that, we’re already winners. We don’t need any kind of “portal” because our sins have already been “transfer-portaled” to The Lord.
And what about Mukuba? He gone and betrayed us like Judas Iscariot. A Lambo? Just 30 pieces of silver. He left us for this darker orange they’ve got down here. But who needs burnt orange when we’ve got that sweet, rose-colored blood poured all over us? So Mukuba can have Glen Powell’s washboard abs, which I have absolutely NEVER looked at for too long. Don’t laugh, Klubnik! I only watched the beach football scene in Top Gun: Maverick to get new play designs!
McConaughey? Ha! He hasn’t made a good movie since U-571. I kept watching Dallas Buyer’s Club waiting for Jimmy Johnson, he never showed up! And now we’re about to show this team How to Lose All Your National Championship Hopes in 10 Days!
We have ourselves a QB1 who rescued us from the mouth of the Panther with that scramble early this season. Now here we are, about to fight against these wicked horns. Speaking of Cade Klubnik, wasn’t it the Lord who said, ‘A prophet isn’t welcome in his hometown’? So go ahead and kick the dust from your sandals, Klubnik—they chose Quinn Ewers over you. Arch Manning too.
You see all these tears in my eyes? Men can cry too. But, I’m crying because I see how Sarkisian picked those two over you, the hometown boy, and I know what it felt like to watch Pontius Pilate’s angry mob choose Barabbas over my main man J.C. It’s just like when Alabama chose Kalen DeBoer over me—” (Ahem, coughs). “Let’s strike these wicked Horns down, boys! Tide - snap - umm - I mean Tigers on three!”
Texas 38, Clemson 16.
